The Dream Bubble Popped
by Jen Smith:
Just reread my last blog post. Boy, was I excited when I wrote that. Big dreams of conquering the world of financial advising ran deep. Unfortunately, the dream bubble popped. The new job was not what I thought it was going to be, not even close, not even in the same universe. An interesting duality developed. In my attempt to do the right thing, I disclosed my book project as an outside business entity as I was required to do. The company insisted that for me to work there the book could not exist. You cannot be an ex-junkie drug dealer—just doesn’t look good. No credit is given to the fact that I’ve turned my life around and have been on the right track for over a decade. I actually took everything book-related down in response to this. The interesting part is that the real reason I could not stay with this company is that I did not believe in the way they treated clients, and the financial products they were pushing on people, in my opinion, were often not in their best interest. So I’m the one that looked like the unethical one yet the opposite may actually be the truth.
The emotional hangover from this experience is still lingering. Physically, I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut, but my heart and soul are relieved. Taking the book project down for even a few days made me realize that it means a great deal to me. It’s who I am. I don’t want to have to hide it. Recently, I saw the movie Anonymous People. It was an interesting take on how people often hide the fact that they are in long term recovery, and how this is a contributing factor to the continued stigma against alcoholics and addicts. It’s common to hear about another drug overdose, a story about a fallen drunk, or another robbery perpetrated by a junkie needing a fix, but where are the stories about the successful long term recovered people? These stories are coveted in the rooms of twelve-step programs and among other recovered people. I think people need to know someone can go from a junkie drug dealer to an educated ethical productive member of society. I don’t want to be forced to hide who I am.
So what’s next? I have no idea. Well, I may not have a clear idea, but I do have some sneaking suspicions. I seem to be repeatedly guided to pursue the Web Presence consulting. This is fun for me. I’m also rethinking why I’m choosing to push away the opportunity to revise the book with the New York editor I have been connected with by an interested agent. This is an opportunity few people get; what is my apprehension? There is the initial investment of time and money, but I have the time and I have the money. Is it fear? Fear that if I spend the time and money above everything else I’ve put into this project that it still won’t go anywhere? One thing is for sure: if I don’t put in the time and money there’s no chance for it going any farther than it has. Any insight on this would be most welcomed, folks.
All-in-all I’m trying to just sit back for now and simply do the next right thing that’s laid out in front of me. I’m doing my best to listen and pay attention to what the universe asks of me. I am available and willing…