I don’t know what I’m doing
by Jen Smith:
This morning I walked the beach with my beloved dog Max. I paused looking at the ocean and raised my hands and arms upwards and outwards in a crescent moon shape ready to receive. I sent an intention to God and to the Universe that I was ready to receive. The only thing is I have no idea what it is I’m supposed to receive. I lost my job of six years about a month ago. Although it was a high-paying high status job I was never settled in it and struggled against discriminatory men, until very recently. Finally I found a place of acceptance with the whole thing. This was it, this was my life and it was okay. Now it’s gone and I have no idea what I’m supposed to do next.
I pray a lot. Not because I’m religious; I’m not. Not because I have a clear understanding of God, I don’t. But mostly because the people I admire most in recovery seem to pray a lot. Someone today, after I expressed that I don’t know what I’m doing, mentioned that maybe I’m supposed to be working on a better conscious contact with God, who I choose to call my higher power. HP is much easier for me to swallow. For sure there are many things that are more powerful than me. The message I seem to be getting from this power greater than me is be patient, be patient. Most days I can do this.
I remember the first time I read the top of page 77 in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous where it states that my purpose is to fit myself to be of most use to God and to my fellows. I was relieved, I had a purpose, it was clear. It’s not so clear today. How the hell do I fit myself to be of most use to my fellows? I thought that maybe since the haunted house ride that was the corporate world for me was over, now it was time to work in a manner that’s for the people. I tried for a job at a recovery center. I didn’t get it. They hired someone that was actually qualified for the position. I’ve been volunteering at a women’s domestic violence safe house and although I plan to keep doing it, it doesn’t feel right. I’ve only been out of work a little over a month, that’s not a long time. I will still be open and try for a new direction like the ones I’ve mentioned.
Of course I have applied to many jobs that are ‘corporate like’ and fall in line with my education and business experience. I’ve had one big rejection here so far… rejection sucks. Not sure I have the confidence and self worth to get in there and fight the fight again. I’ve been creative too, did a landscaping job, made some jewelry, and I’m looking into selling my friend’s card line. Yes, I’m really all over the place. I don’t know what I’m doing.
For sure I’m remaining grateful. I have a wonderful supportive husband that has been unbelievably great and it doesn’t hurt that he makes enough money to support us too. He doesn’t mind me leaning on him, but I liked it much better when I paid my fair share. The morning beach meetings and walks with my dog keep me positively
aligned. I live in a beautiful place and for that I am truly grateful. I have wonderful supportive friends and for that I am grateful. Don’t know what I’m doing and I’ll have to accept that for today. I will be patient, and remain open-minded and attentive. You just never know where direction will come from. I’m up for ideas by the way, so if anybody has any, let me know.