I Am Enough
By Jen Smith:
Greetings everyone and happy holidays to all. This can be a wonderful time of year to love and be loved. Thinking of others during the holiday season is a great way to get out of self. I’m still unemployed and this has caused some painful realizations about myself and, to stay recovered, I’ve turned to my higher power more intensely than ever before. I wish I could tell you that my increased conscious contact with God has been out of a desire to be more spiritual but that would be a lie, it’s been to survive another day without a drink or a drug.
First, the painful realization. I’ve always felt good about my ability to earn money but I didn’t realize just how much of my self-worth was tied into this. The way I felt about myself was directly tied to my annual income. Yikes. So now that my annual income is based on a temporary unemployment check my self-worth has crumbled. I know this is wrong and superficial but it’s my truth and what I need to work on today. So the challenge is finding my self-worth outside of material things.
For the past couple of months I have been working on putting an AA Woman’s convention together. This has given me purpose and tons to do. Also, it was a wonderful boost to my ego because I was considered one of the leaders and the go to person for just about everything. The main speaker my best friend picked for Saturday night was amazing, and the simple message that she repeated several times was “You are enough.” I am enough, even when I’m not making money. I am enough, even when the convention is over and I have nothing to do. This is easy to say but much harder to internalize. In comes my higher power to help me feel good.
Staying positive and hopeful about life is imperative for my daily reprieve from alcoholism. I’m employing some time old tricks for this, and some new ones I’ve recently learned. The oldest trick in the book is making a gratitude list. This really works. Focusing on the good things in my life right now helps my brain from sliding into a negative space. There are always good things in the here and now if you allow yourself to see and believe in them. The tricky thing for me is letting those good things be enough. A new trick I’ve been employing is randomly praying for people. I witnessed a car accident the other night and immediately starting praying for folks in the three cars that got squished. In the long line at the post office I started randomly praying for people. Interestingly, when I was praying for this guy in a Cox jacket in the front of the line, he turned around and looked at me. Another thing I’m going to do is more service work. I’m excited to be attending a planning meeting tomorrow night for a service convention coming in February. I’m sure the folks there will find some use for me. I will be okay as long as I keep doing the work.
Thank you Pete for noticing I haven’t written in a while.